and heartache came

...to visit me, but I knew it wasn't ever after." (Jewel, "Hands")

I really, really, really like this song. I hear it now and again and
often hear new things in it, glean new insights that I understand to
begin with but suddenly feel without warning. This happened the
other day and again last night.

Last night I was driving home, past this house we've been considering
for the past week, and realized that the last house I'd been so
interested in was in such need of work that this one looks like a
castle with all its renovations. It dawned on me just how crushed I
was when that house had been sold before we even got to look at it,
and how hopeful I am about this current one. Then, amidst all these
thoughts, Jewel's voice is playing and I hear her words: "Poverty
stole your golden shoes, it didn't steal your laughter. And
heartache came to visit me but I knew it wasn't ever after."

This got me to thinking about how blessed I really am, in so many
different ways, on so many different levels. I started out so poor,
materially at least, and emotionally in many ways, and not only am I
materially blessed but I have my faith and I've become so much
stronger, in order to overcome problems and obstacles in life, both
personal and work-related. It's not a new concept to me but this
realization, when it hits, tends to come in the wake of emotional
lapses and it did just this; I'd not exactly been feeling happy as of
late. Not even content. It was frustrating because I know what I
have, and I know how I'm lucky, but I couldn't feel it no matter how
much I reminded myself. Then I'd have to resist spiraling downward
out of guilt for not feeling grateful, knowing that I'm human, after
all, and eventually I'd snap out of the funk.

Attitude is everything. Unfortunately, it's not quite as well-
controlled as the happy amongst us may seem to suggest to the world.
It's ironic that as powerful as knowledge may make us, it also makes
us so vulnerable. And it's even more ironic that we want so
desperately to teach others what took us so long to learn, only to
realize that others need to find it out for themselves. You cannot
teach experience. You also cannot make yourself feel what you don't,
no matter how much you know.

When you're happy and you know it, though... clap your hands!

~nv