learning style

I just figured it out. I'm academic in the sense that I need
questions to answer up front, and text to pore over to figure it out.

Just breezed through two chapters in 1.5 hours and have a vague, but
terminology-rich, understanding of both. Class itself is still going
through code examples but I fall asleep during lectures and wanted to
keep myself awake... I found I was still listening somewhat because
when a question was asked I recognized it as a review question and
knew the answer instantly - not just knew it, but had a basic
understanding of the answer.

So... I need questions up front. Then I go looking for their answers.
In the process I'm slightly stressed, keeps me awake; then I get
interested, my brain kicks into its multi-track tendencies, and I
learn on multiple levels. Code I learn by being told to keep writing
it in (working examples); later, I will analyze each part and look
them up to find out what they're doing. Or better yet, experiment to
get them doing things I'm controlling, teaching me intricate details.

My trick now is to make sure I have a good text, and good questions
that highlight the important things. The details will fall into place
via osmosis and interest. Excellent, to know my learning style again.
I didn't think I'd ever figure it out again.

~nv

I WANT VS.NET TO HAVE MY CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In addition to vb.net and c# and God-knows-what-else... it does xml.

Now, not a huge deal in and of itself, I mean, xml seems
straightforward enough, but... get a huge data-filled file, and you
get sick of entering stuff. This... this... it allows you to view the
fields in a table. It's like filling in an excel spreadsheet with
your data. No more DAMNED REPETITION!!

Back to class...

VS .NET vs Brain

I'm currently in my hotel room typing up some notes on the chapters
I've read thus far. Not a bad class. In fact, I'm enjoying it quite
a bit. I still think I'd have fared better with VB .NET as far as
application goes, but this'll help down the road once I've GOT VB
under my belt. I've decided to take a college course in VB since work
wants me to work with it but doesn't appear to want me to learn it
officially. (We'll just see about that.)

The instructor offered up a good idea for a book, which I'll probably
locate and purchase. It's something about Object-oriented thought
process:

http://books.google.com/books?id=QveDqVtLFIcC&dq=object+oriented+thought+process&pg=PP1&ots=4pvssPUsfk&sig=6hIyyqm_vDESlqe_8fv4tb-adZo&prev=http://www.google.com/search%3Fhl%3Den%26q%3Dobject%2Boriented%2Bthought%2Bprocess&sa=X&oi=print&ct=title&cad=one-book-with-thumbnail

Sounds exactly like what I need, to understand methods, classes, etc.
I'm all about symbols and cryptic things that follow a logical
progression in one big long file, and as late I've been noticing more
and more how convoluted and broken up everything is getting in the
programming world. It's this object-oriented thing I think, focusing
on objects rather than pure logic, or something. Still, I do like
various components of the whole concept, such as the visual design of
forms and such. It suits me very well in fact. The trouble I have
now is with the terminology for the most part. I don't know what to
look for to obtain code to make the pretty front end do stuff!

A coworker tells me, like many others have, that my concern about
slowing down mentally is natural and that it happens with age. I'm
really not happy about this, but I'm learning - at least, I'm trying -
to get around it. It's also dawning on me that perhaps my current
academic smarts is now like that of many of my peers back in
elementary and junior high school. There was a time when I had mostly
A's and B's in elementary school, and I never tried to study
whatsoever. I was doing good if I even bothered with my homework,
although I enjoyed the exercises sometimes (on my own time of course).
For me, learning from a book was natural, easy. I never understood
the jealousy of other students who said they had to study so hard to
remember even half of what I could glean from a single interested
read.

Until now. Now, I understand somewhat. I can read something three
times before I realize what I've read; it's difficult to concentrate
on the meanings of the words unless it's written in such a manner so
as to be particularly descriptive and interesting to me. That in
and of itself slows me down exponentially. Then, I only have a vague
recollection of it, a nebulous expanse of knowledge that may come back
to me some day but no guarantees. This must be why people I knew
always had trouble with tests, while I aced them all so effortlessly.
I had a gift of some sort and by the time I figured it out, it had
evaporated. Guess you don't know what you've got until it's gone,
huh?

Still, if my brain now is like the brain of a typical 10-year-old
[from my time mind you], that's pretty good. Especially so, since
I've 20 years of experience on top of that to temper childishness and
naivete. I don't just memorize anymore, I seek to truly understand
and wrap my whole being around ideas and concepts. I can see the big
picture now and before I couldn't; I'd just focus on mundane little
details and soak up such minutia with a thirst that was never quite
quenched. Despite my frustrations these days... indeed, I am lucky my
brain is as sharp as it is, even if it's not even half as sharp as it
once was. Or so it feels...

Earlier today, I made a joking remark to my coworker (who is taking a
class near mine, thus we're riding together and such). It was one
I've made my whole life in some way or another; all I said was how my
mother seemed to be one of those unlucky folks sometimes; heck, look,
she gave birth to me, right? My coworker took me quite seriously and
admonished my view of myself. In all seriousness, I hadn't really
been feeling as if my mother were unlucky for having me, but as I
listened to my coworker tell me how I've done so much with my life
considering what little she knows of my background, how some in my
shoes may have become addicts or leeches on society, I felt inwardly
ashamed to have joked in such a manner. I also felt an oddly renewed
sense of pride in myself and in my accomplishments as a human being.
Yes, I have come a long way. I've come from a poverty-stricken and
emotionally abusive background and turned myself into a thriving
individual who is passionate about her beliefs and goals (what few I
have). I landed myself steady jobs, which eventually lead to my
current one - and it's not a bad job overall, let alone one I obtained
mostly with my strong desire to learn. A high school diploma, these
days, isn't exactly gold anymore. After years of fighting it, I
finally decided to get my driver's license and did so within months.
I bought myself a truck. And the best thing I've ever done aside from
getting to know God and myself was getting to know Dale. From the
ashes has risen a phoenix; the sun catches my gleaming wings and
shines in my eyes like a fire's embers flare up in the wake of a
breeze.

Yes, I'm proud of myself, no matter how many brain cells have died
over the years, no matter how difficult it becomes for me to learn new
things.

And I will learn VB, dammit.

~nv

Explicit Language

Warning: Will contain some explicit language. Not suitable for
minors or folks that take offense at such things.

I've been in a ROTTEN mood this past week or so. Far worse than I've
been in since Dale and I moved in together (and that was because I
hate moving).

First off, I have a big project due on the 19th at work, and am in
training all next week. So, I really have until a few hours ago plus
the sunday I work. No way I can get the rest of it done by then, so
my wondrous workhorse coworker has taken over for me and I bet SHE
manages to get it pretty darned close, if not all the way. I'll be
happy if I have half what I've got now and told her so. Still, I've
spent the last two weeks struggling to get to this and enduring
constant interruptions by my peers (and others) instead.

Second, Dale was gone last weekend from thursday to tuesday early
morning.

Third, I'm PMSing big-time. I've found that stress and inadequate
nutrition seem to be the biggest contributors to PMS for me. The
problem is that stress tends to LEAD to inadequate nutrition, because
I get so irritated by life that I stop eating in favour of go-go-
going so I can get everything done. So PMS was really bad this time.

Dale came back really early tuesday morning, as I said. I was
SOOOOOOOOOOO happy to see him. I remember asking if he was going
into work that day after he got some sleep and I swear he said no. I
took this to mean that when I got home from work, he'd be home and I
could hug him and be happy he was there. It didn't dawn on me he
meant he wouldn't work a full day.

I proceeded to have a horrible day at work later that day.
Horrible. I got nothing done, couldn't even think, because from the
time I walked in I had nothing but interruptions, demands, etc. In
my already-fragile state of mind, this was the worst possible time
for more bullsh**. So when everyone left for the day, I sat there
feeling twitchy, terrified of doing anything for fear someone would
say my name. The last two hours of work should have been my most
productive ones, and instead, I just sat there trying to figure out
what I was supposed to do, even though my big project was weighing
heavily on my mind.

I drove home that night, upset and holding it in, focused on driving
safely. Then, I see the house is dark, and Dale's car is missing.
Logically, I could hear myself thinking, "He may have gone to work a
half-day so he doesn't use too much time off, or he went grocery-
shopping, or he's off to a friend's house, etc." But that voice was
soft. The loud one was that of illogical, emotional panic: "Oh my
God. Dale left me." Now, to my knowledge, our marriage is doing
very very well, probably far better than many. I love him greatly
and I know he loves me as much if not more. He demonstrates it in so
many ways - most of which are facial expressions, things he says with
his eyes. So how could I _possibly_ think he'd up and leave me?
Well, it's probably because I was feeling irrational anyway, and my
deepest fear has always been that those I care about will leave me.
Thus irrational thoughts would most certainly include such a thing.
I parked my truck and sat there crying all over the steering wheel,
aware that I'd split into two people - Rational Me and LostIt Me.
But LostIt Me was, for all intents and purposes, happily content with
being a blubbering worrisome idiot, so I felt Observational Me come
out to watch the fun as Spiritual Me told LostIt Me that she
understood, and to have a nice good cry if necessary. LostIt obliged
heavily for a time and eventually wore herself out. Then WearyMe got
everyone out of the truck and went inside.

LostIt decided to lose it again, because before Rational could
explain that Dale had simply brought his bags upstairs to unpack,
LostIt assumed he'd re-packed those bags and taken off for parts
unknown. (Suitcases were missing, you see.) So Weary sat down in a
chair and waited for LostIt to finish blubbering again as Spiritual
gave a reassuring, silent hug. Then we all ventured upstairs to
check email, as Rational thought that maybe there was explanative
PROOF as to why Dale really wasn't around. Unfortunately, he'd sent
no emails whatsoever, which threw LostIt into an absolutely miserable
panic, because it was not like Dale to not email at all. Not only
that, but this "odd" behaviour further "proved" that he'd left, since
Rational had reminded everyone that Dale would have said something
that could be taken as "nothing out of the ordinary." OMG, he hadn't
emailed, therefore he DID leave and couldn't even leave a note
explaining why! THAT'S how bad it is!! Yeah. Rational, at this
point, gave up, and went to sleep.

The phone rang, and LostIt was pushed aside gently by Observational,
because otherwise the phone couldn't have been answered. It was
Dale. He was just leaving work. LostIt jumped forth and started to
spill the relief over hearing that Rational had been right all
along. Dale felt bad but Rational came to and assured him I was just
pmsing and everything. In fact, it felt more like all the sides that
had split off from each other had come back and were talking all at
once, like that episode of Star Trek where Riker was in the insane
asylum, which was really his own mind trying to avoid being
brainwashed or something. Dale asked if I wanted food, and I finally
gave him some ideas, as I realized I'd not eaten much all day due to
the stress of being at work amidst interruptions and duedates rushing
past.

I hung up, and ... was fine. For about two minutes. I sat there
alone, blinking, numb, and thinking to myself, "What on earth just
happened to me?" This finally made me feel very scared of myself,
because I hadn't felt that out of control for quite some time. So I
grabbed my book and went outside on the porch to read and wait for
Dale to come home.

As I did this, I heard Observer say, "You're still doing that?" I
was startled at the voice and whipped around inside myself, then
realized Observer was right: I was going to wait on the porch as if
I were my little self waiting for my mother to come home from
college. I thought for a moment and said, "Well, you know what? It
might be a carryover from childhood, but I want the fresh air, and so
I'm going to go do just that." So I did.

Now. After I explained all these strange things to Dale, I felt
immensely better. See, he's good about not judging people. He
simply listens, and offers support. Support is exactly what I needed
at that moment in time, and it helped me back to a state where I
could think, analyze, and control myself. However, after having a
relatively ok day yesterday (mainly because I was more level-headed,
and was dragged out of the office for a crisis), today was even worse
than Tuesday. And... today was only a half-day.

First I had a two-hour meeting. I got through that fine; my rational/
observing sides were out in full bloom, taking notes and asking
impartial questions. But when I got back to the office, I was again
pulled in a few directions at once, interruptions, etc. galore.
Within an hour, I knew I would not get to work on my big project, so
I taught Ms. Workhorse to do it in my absence. I felt so grateful
for her and thought to myself, "Good, then at least I can catch up on
email and tasks before I leave." I saw that a customer was asking
about a task I had said I'd get to (and turned out was near-
impossible this week, but I'd not even had time to stall). So I
winged it in the direction of one of my peers, thinking she could
handle it anyway, but I'd briefly give her an idea of what to do,
since I know she's not technically-oriented yet.

Before I could pop over to give her this information, staying a few
minutes late to do so, she announced that if the printer wasn't
networked, she wouldn't do it because she didn't know how and they
would just have to wait until I got back.

It's always an effort for me to avoid killing people when something
so simple to me is not so simple to someone else. And for me,
hooking up a local printer is one of the easiest things in the world
to do. But I'd already thought out that she'd have trouble, because
she's not me. I was prepared to guide her in the right direction,
and expected that from there, she could take over in my absence and
find other help if absolutely necessary. She's not stupid, she's
quite capable, and I know this. However, I was NOT prepared for an
attitude from her, and quite frankly, her remark re-lit the fire that
had been there for the last week. I ignited, but held myself in
check until she finished ranting like what I saw was an an
ungrateful, spoiled little brat who didn't WANT to figure anything
out for herself. See, I know that she has self-esteem issues. I
know how that feels, too. I feel stupid all the time and I know I'm
quite smart and that even when I'm feeling stupid, chances are that
I'm actually unknowledgeable through absolutely no fault of my own.
The point I've learned is that if I don't know or understand, then I
SEEK to know and understand. Learn to figure it out. Because you
see, I'm independent. I resent having to rely on anyone but myself
and God. (Now I rely on Dale for moral support, and sometimes hate
that fact, but at least it's a healthier relationship than what I'm
used to.) It's extremely difficult for me to accept that other
people will not even try to figure something out on their own,
because I'm driven by insatiable curiosity, dampened only when I have
to repeat my efforts for the sake of others who won't do it
themselves. My spirit, in essence, is inexorably crushed when I have
to stop being curious in order to do basic research on things I could
do so easily myself, just so someone else will do it themselves.
Especially when it's a habit for these people to avoid looking things
up at all costs.

I was also particularly irritated with her remark, not only because
of this or because of the week I'd been through, but also because
this assignment involves one of my customers. I'm very customer-
driven and at work this is what I stand for and I RESENT IT when my
peers do not understand that this. is. what. we. are. here. for.
Period.

Now, if I wasn't PMSing, I would have just felt inwardly irritated
and eventually think to myself, "That's fine. You can work around
her. FIND her little shit work she DOES know how to do, so much of
it that eventually she'll BEG you for something more interesting."
But because I was PMSing, I stood up, half-gently pushed my chair
into my desk, and said, "Well, you know what? I'm done. I'm in
training all next week, so all the questions everyone would normally
ask me which would deprive me of giving good customer service and
actually GETTING MY SHIT DONE so I DON'T have to pass it to someone
else... well, you know what?? YOU'RE ALL ON YOUR OWN!!" The other
two in attendance just stared at me with surprised looks on their
faces. Ms. Workhorse, one of those two, then looks terrified.
"Don't leave me," she says, obviously thinking that I'd just quit my
job.

I replied, "I have no intention of leaving. But, when I return, I
will no longer allow any interruptions from anyone. My work will get
done first, and then I will be the mentor I'm supposed to be. I'm
done with not getting my shit done. Done."

Then I left the room in silence, which I'm sure broke out into
whispers, lamentations and grumbles as soon as I was out of earshot.
I could give a rat's ass, too. I'm telling you, there are certain
people at work that need a good beating to get some sense knocked
into them.

All that aside, I drove away muttering and screaming to myself, once
more so irritated that I was beyond grief. I started thinking of all
the times I've been expected to do shit because I'm "smart" and how
more was expected of me because it COULD be expected. I said, quite
loudly, to no one: "Being smart is a goddamned CURSE. Not only do I
see all the imperfections in the world, and have to wait while people
catch up to me, but I have to UNDERSTAND everyone else!! BULLSHIT!!
Just once I'd like to not only get away with blaming my brain with my
lack of ambition but also not feel guilty about it. ASSholes!!"

I was still yelling and muttering to myself when I got home with
Lancie's crickets. This continued as I made myself some lunch and
finally ceased when I slammed my den door and sat down to write
this. As I saw my kitties' faces completely washed with odd
expressions of wonder mixed with curiosity, confusion, expectation of
food, and slight fear, I can't help thinking that I have become... my
mother.

~nv

Oxide vs. Obsidian

Yesterday I joined Mil and ShelShel up in the Kingdom. I saw lots of
photo opps whilst driving up there but Sid was safely packed away out
of reach, so I grabbed Oxide instead (he's my emergency photo camera
now). I ended up grabbing him also when we all went out to
photograph the fall foliage in the area. Not sure why I did that,
but whatever.

Well, I'm starting to suspect that Sid is not as good with colour and
detail as Oxide is. The closeups I took yesterday are what really
caught my eye. The detail is stunningly amazing with Oxide. But, I
admit I had him set to Auto and the light was far better than usual
because it was a bright sunny day with a flood of golden colours.
Both my S3 and S5 seem to do best with this type of environment
regardless of macro or wideangle usage. So, I'm probably wrong, and
I hope I am, because it would be a shame if Canon ruined an excellent
line of product in favour of the awesome new features they've added
to it.

I'm going to start dragging both cameras around and do some
comparisons with similar photos. That should give me a better idea
as to what's causing my suspicion, and whether or not it's warranted.

In other news, Lancelot has had a few treats lately. An influx of
bugs has made its way into our household, so I've been hunting and
diverting bugs into Lancelot's home. He's quite appreciative. I
wasn't sure houseflies were a good idea but he loved them and doesn't
appear to have indigestion from them. Currently he's got fruitflies
in there. They appeared after I made something with Fennel in it,
and when a friend left a box of blueberry pastries on the table
yesterday, they dove into the box. Now I refuse to eat the pastries,
but 'twas quite easy to shut the box and then reopen it in Lancie's
cage to release the fruitflies. He hasn't seemed to notice the itty
bitties yet, though. They're still clinging to the glass on the
inside of the cage. Whups, correction. He just saw one move and is
studying its movements with great detail. Snack on the way...

Speaking of snacks, I should have breakfast some time today. Maybe
after I forget about the bug carnage...

~nv